Hi. The same girl pouring her heart here coz have no one to talk to. It's been a while i've been searching the meaning of love. What is love? How you know you love that person? Can someone explain to me what does love mean? Because this question keep bugging me. I dont know whether i love Man or i just go with the flow? I cannot confirm myself. Am i getting attached like this means i love him?
To be frank kan, dengan Man ni aku banyak betul nangis. Nangis makan hati, nangis sebab i'm expecting more but he's not reaching my expectation. I dont know why i jadi too sensitive. I cannot force him to response as per i like. And he also don't want to fake himself just to pleasure me. Then i am sad because of that. Ape doo? I understand it's wrong for making him follow my way. Salah aku jugak coz setiap orang ada cara memasing.
But one thing for sure, he love me more than i do. Man terlalu baik weh. Sampai level aku macam termakan budi dia sebab dia baik sangat dengan aku and aku decide just stick with him. I don't know how much he endure himself for the sake of me. Aku melalut merepek angin tak tentu pasal pe semua, dia telan je pujuk aku. Aku yang selfish tak pernah fikir pasal dia. Dok fikir sensitif aku terasa aku. Tapi sensitif dia, terasa dia, aku tak pernah heran. He's trying his best to make me happy, and what did i do in return? Macam takdok.
I dont know why aku rasa heavy sangat dengan relationship ni. I think maybe because we both LDR. Kalau we both in the same place, i dont feel this heavy kot. What makes it funny kan, selalunya perempuan yang excited dok tanya bila nak masuk meminang? Jomlah kawin. Tak sabarnya nak kawin. But in my case, Man yang tanya soalan tu semua 😂 Meaning that he really want me in his life, i assume lah kan hahaha. But why aku tak rasa the same way eh? I thought this marriage will burden me. The main issue here kan, i need to mengalah which i insist not to around one year and the result is we still LDR even we married.
My thought, why kena kahwin if still LDR sebab sekarang pun LDR jugak. So, nothing change pun kan? Obviously he cannot move here because of his job. And my job is very limited which only at the big city je, hence why i scared to move on.
Tolonglah, i have no answer for my question. I need to check with few friends kot. But entah lah hahaha. Orang akan kata buat istikharah kan, tapi hmmm donno. Why im so weird one? Kenapa none of google answer relate to my situation? Pfft... It's not healthy yaa if this thing keep lingering my mind. I should feel happy now since i have someone by my side. But, i dont felt the excitement. I dont feel the butterfly. Why is that?
To be honest lah kan, aku rasa aku macam still sayang Fizal lagi. But the situation make me move on. He got his own family now. I dont want to be punca family orang problem. But once a while, he'll text he miss me. He want me etc. Entahlah nok, just anggap bukan jodoh kami. We love each other, but we were not meant to be.
And because Man's job yang super busy tu jugak lah makes me feel empty. Dia bagitahu dah, dia busy kerja bukan buat pape pun. Aku kena percaya dia. Jangan sebab dia busy, aku pi cari orang lain sebab sekarang banyak kes orang ketiga sebab macam tu lah. Dia minta maaf sebab dia busy and jarang ada masa and hoping me to understand.
Obviously, aku faham je kerja dia. But at the same time i did feel sad and lonely. Macam apa point relationship sekarang ni kalau he's not there when i'm sad, when i have something to share. After he's busy with his day, then end of the day he said penat. For sure aku suruh dia rehat. Takkan lah nak tambah drama kat dia yang dah sedia penat tu. You get what i mean? Dulu single, yes faham lah no one to talk to. But now i have bf, but the situation still the same. Interesting is it? Kekadang tu bila dah stress sangat i cari outsider to talk to which not good lah because i supposed to talk to my bf but the situation doesnt allow that.
So, all this reasons makes me reluctant and hesitate to further this relationship. I need solid answer whether its backup or deny my argument. But i dont find the answer anyway. Need to keep digging. And i should stop thinking and feeling sad about this situation. Banyak-banyakkan lah berdoa mintak jalan petunjuk kat Allah kan. Maybe tahap kebergantungan aku kat Allah tu tak tinggi and i still need to improve myself for a better Muslimah. Dia je tempat mengadu kan. So, i need to go to that direction.
Things to Ponder