Is my choice correct?

 

Yesterday mark one year our relationship and no one wish anything. I'm expecting some wish or surprise from him but jokes on me. Silly me having high expectation. Maybe he thought our anniversary is on different date. Donno.

As time goes by right, I keep questioning myself. Am I doing the right decision? You know how much I regretting my decision. Does my tears berbaloi for all this? I've used to be pampered by guy. All the guy I meet before him always pamper me by their affection. Always make me felt loved and assure me they like me. But in Man's case he's like robot. I need to tell him what I want what I need etc. If feels like I'm begging for his attention and affection.   

Somemore, recently Piyok and Iszman just getting engaged. Hahahahahaha lil bit hurt deep down my heart. They met their partner kejap than me. But they are going to next step. Iszman really treat me like a queen. If not because his age, I will accept him. I almost swing because of how he treat me. I felt loved. Then i ditch him and pick Man because Man is older than me and he is left handed. How silly my decision right?

they have found their happiness. While me still despair with Man. I never cry because of guy before. But Man make me cry almost everyday! I felt like not worth at all. I've been in cloud nine before, but now I'm faking my happiness. If to conclude right, I can tell you I cannot recall my happiest moment with Man. Man is a good guy, but donno lah. Maybe I'm soooo used to be pampered before and Man acting contra from I used to be really make me want to end the relationship.

Now I understand why other couple stay eventho they keep crying. Before this I thought, they fool for staying but naahh. Now I learnt my lesson in a hard way. 

I'm choosing this big decision because everyone saying Man is a good guy. My mom also like him and keep ask for his help. So, I choose him for the sake of my mom. I plan to be andartu, and I change my plan because of him. He better treat me right. Make sure all my tears worth the sacrifice.

Bayangkan after we get into relationship, he started his training for 10 months. Then after the training finished, he's busy with the promotion stuff. He better treat me right after all this settle eh. I felt jealous when I saw other couple feeling loved with their partner. Going out dating. Feel lovey dovey, while me crying my eyes out because he got no time for me. Nak story pape, boipreng takde masa nak dengar. Nak keluar lepak, boipreng busy jadi bangla jadian. Takde function pun aku in relationship. Takda beza pun aku single dulu dengan ada boipreng sekarang ni, Bila cakap kat Man kang, dia terasa. But the reality is like that. Dia kena terima lah, eventho very pain to swallow.

I'll just wait till end of this year whether my sacrifice worth or not. I'm tired actually. But I need to fake myself. What a pitiful life I have. Congratulation Jannah!

   

Thank you for your time :)

It's Always Man

Hello. Yesterday got one cute conversation with Man. We both ni kenal from our mutual. We first met at Jesselton Point sebab ayah suruh Kak Elly cari or tengokkan aku kat sana sebab dia risau aku holiday dua orang je dengan Syakirah. And Kak Elly pulak bawak Man ni as driver. So Kak Elly suruh lah Man ni mesej aku. Pastu Man ni cerita dia ni jenis takkan mesej even ada number orang tu ke apa. Dia mesej pun sebab Kak Elly paksa dia mesej aku.

Nak jadi cerita, ada lah student dia ni nak kenenkan Man dengan in charge dia. Tunjuk fb and bagi number pe semua. Tapi lepas in charge student dia tu dok tanya mana tulang rusuk dia, terus dia bluetick je orang tu hahah. Dia kata dia kawan je semua orang sebab dia single kan. Tapi boleh sangkut dengan aku lak

Man: Tersangkut dengan jannah. Dah lah haram takde persamaan langsung

Me: Masih sempat lagi nak patah balik. Belum terlambat lagi kalau nak cari lain

Man: waklu!

Me: 😂😂😂😂😂 *lmao*

Man: Man dah takut dah ingatkan jannah marah man cakap macam tu. Bila man cakap leklok, jannah marah. Bila cakap macam tu, gelak pulak. Apoo?

Me: Lawak lah wehh. Dia macam budak nerd ajak gaduh taw. Hahahahaha lawak gilaaaa!

Bayangkan empat tahun aku kenal Man ni, waklu tu ayat dia yang paling kasar dia pernah cakap kat aku. Hahahahahhaha lawak nok sebab tak sangka man pun reti cakap macam tu. Ohh hipokrit dalam diam eh!

And aku rasa man sekarang ni memang dah tak sabar nak kahwin lah. Dia tengah countdown habis kursus. Pastu asyik cerita pasal nak kahwin je. Lately ni busy dengan kerja luar. Pastu dia tetengah cerita pasal tension kerja dia pe semua, then sempat lagi selit:

Man: Tak sabar nak cecepat usung borang nikah

Me: Ape kena mengena borang nikah dengan man tension pasal kerja?

Man: Biarlah lah. Kalau dah kahwin nanti, penat kerja balik tu boleh cerita, mengendeng kat wife. Cepatlah kahwin jannah

Lately ni dia busy with his work. And aku pun dok makan hati sebab dia busy takde spent time dengan aku. Dok merajuk dengan dia for past few days. Rasa bersalah sangat kat dia. Faham je dia busy. Tapi dia tu bukan jenis bagitahu pape. Dah settle semua, baru dia bagitahu. So rasa macam tak diingati pulak lol. I did felt guilty for behaving like that. Tapi man jenis dia minta maaf je, and dia ignore je kekadang kalau aku buat perangai.  I'm amaze with his patience level ya. Semoga man sentiasa kekal sabar dengan jannah. You're one of the best gift i had through out my 27 years ni. I'm thankful for that 💗

Thank you for your time :)

IDK What Should I Do

 

Hi. The same girl pouring her heart here coz have no one to talk to. It's been a while i've been searching the meaning of love. What is love? How you know you love that person? Can someone explain to me what does love mean? Because this question keep bugging me. I dont know whether i love Man or i just go with the flow? I cannot confirm myself. Am i getting attached like this means i love him?

To be frank kan, dengan Man ni aku banyak betul nangis. Nangis makan hati, nangis sebab i'm expecting more but he's not reaching my expectation. I dont know why i jadi too sensitive. I cannot force him to response as per i like. And he also don't want to fake himself just to pleasure me. Then i am sad because of that. Ape doo? I understand it's wrong for making him follow my way. Salah aku jugak coz setiap orang ada cara memasing.

But one thing for sure, he love me more than i do. Man terlalu baik weh. Sampai level aku macam termakan budi dia sebab dia baik sangat dengan aku and aku decide just stick with him. I don't know how much he endure himself for the sake of me. Aku melalut merepek angin tak tentu pasal pe semua, dia telan je pujuk aku. Aku yang selfish tak pernah fikir pasal dia. Dok fikir sensitif aku terasa aku. Tapi sensitif dia, terasa dia, aku tak pernah heran. He's trying his best to make me happy, and what did i do in return? Macam takdok.

I dont know why aku rasa heavy sangat dengan relationship ni. I think maybe because we both LDR. Kalau we both in the same place, i dont feel this heavy kot. What makes it funny kan, selalunya perempuan yang excited dok tanya bila nak masuk meminang? Jomlah kawin. Tak sabarnya nak kawin. But in my case, Man yang tanya soalan tu semua 😂 Meaning that he really want me in his life, i assume lah kan hahaha. But why aku tak rasa the same way eh? I thought this marriage will burden me. The main issue here kan, i need to mengalah which i insist not to around one year and the result is we still LDR even we married.

My thought, why kena kahwin if still LDR sebab sekarang pun LDR jugak. So, nothing change pun kan? Obviously he cannot move here because of his job. And my job is very limited which only at the big city je, hence why i scared to move on.

Tolonglah, i have no answer for my question. I need to check with few friends kot. But entah lah hahaha. Orang akan kata buat istikharah kan, tapi hmmm donno. Why im so weird one? Kenapa none of google answer relate to my situation? Pfft... It's not healthy yaa if this thing keep lingering my mind. I should feel happy now since i have someone by my side. But, i dont felt the excitement. I dont feel the butterfly. Why is that?

To be honest lah kan, aku rasa aku macam still sayang Fizal lagi. But the situation make me move on. He got his own family now. I dont want to be punca family orang problem. But once a while, he'll text he miss me. He want me etc. Entahlah nok, just anggap bukan jodoh kami. We love each other, but we were not meant to be. 

And because Man's job yang super busy tu jugak lah makes me feel empty. Dia bagitahu dah, dia busy kerja bukan buat pape pun. Aku kena percaya dia. Jangan sebab dia busy, aku pi cari orang lain sebab sekarang banyak kes orang ketiga sebab macam tu lah. Dia minta maaf sebab dia busy and jarang ada masa and hoping me to understand.

Obviously, aku faham je kerja dia. But at the same time i did feel sad and lonely. Macam apa point relationship sekarang ni kalau he's not there when i'm sad, when i have something to share. After he's busy with his day, then end of the day he said penat. For sure aku suruh dia rehat. Takkan lah nak tambah drama kat dia yang dah sedia penat tu. You get what i mean? Dulu single, yes faham lah no one to talk to. But now i have bf, but the situation still the same. Interesting is it? Kekadang tu bila dah stress sangat i cari outsider to talk to which not good lah because i supposed to talk to my bf but the situation doesnt allow that.

So, all this reasons makes me reluctant and hesitate to further this relationship. I need solid answer whether its backup or deny my argument. But i dont find the answer anyway. Need to keep digging. And i should stop thinking and feeling sad about this situation. Banyak-banyakkan lah berdoa mintak jalan petunjuk kat Allah kan. Maybe tahap kebergantungan aku kat Allah tu tak tinggi and i still need to improve myself for a better Muslimah. Dia je tempat mengadu kan. So, i need to go to that direction.

 

Thank you for your time :)

Appreciation Post for Man

 

Hello. Welcome back! This post specially dedicated to Man. For all the things he's done for me.

He's a very soft spoken. He never raise his voice to me. He always the one who give in when i made fuss. He will say sorry whenever i mad no matter its his fault or not. He will try clear the situation before sleep so that it wont lasting for days.

Eventho he dont give me big reaction when i told him story. Yes, obviously i am mad because of that. But, that is how he is. He's not someone who can give the same vibe, big reaction as i want. But, i need to accept him as what he is. Like how he can cooperate with my madness, my fussy, my annoyance. Vice versa. I have my flaw. He got his flaw. We both need to compliment each other's flaws.

Soft spoken bf 👏 grumpy gf. That's us lol. He'll talk softly whenever he wake me up for Subuh. 

For example: Sayang, bangun. Subuh. Dah pukul berapa ni. I love you sayang. Bangun taw. Nanti lewat.

While me: Bangun bangun bangun! Dah pukul berapa ni. Nak Subuh kan. Bangun cepat cepat ccepat. Okay, bye.

See the difference? Hahahahah. He without fail will say i love you everyday. While me, will say it occasionally. Depends on my mood. I dont know. Maybe i'm not willing to say that word frequently. I dont know. I scared. We dont know future. Eventho we're planning to get married soon. Maybe next year. Since this year, he's busy with training after training. Because too many things to settle for the marriage documents. Somemore Malaysia's Covid situation havent getting better eventho two years has passed. What a joke from government 😐 

In conclusion for this post, i'm just hoping that Man can increase his patience and keep Sabar while facing me, living with me. I have too many flaws hence why i get scared to be attached. Everytime we fight, i will think about break up. Then he'll scold me for saying that. He said 'i love you then i need to accept the way you are. Cannot simply say break up. We need to resolve this issue not run away.' 

Thank you Man for having me in your life. Hope we can grow old together and compliment each other's flaws. 

Thank you for your time :)

Sweet...

 

Last weekend, Man datang kl huhuhuh. Katanya nak buat chiropractic dengan coach. Tapi coach tak free pulak sebab dia dah ada patients kat Kuala Kubu Baru. Then takkan lah nak biar Man sensorang kan. Msalahnya dia datang time aku tengah PKP. Tak boleh rentas daerah, tak boleh dine in. Haram tak tahu nak buat apa. Nasib baik lah dia nak cari baju raya family dia.

Pastu aku kan tak boleh puasa, so tengah hari tu dia saje je bagitahu kat kfc, tanya aku nak tapaw pape tak. Padahal aku ada je makanan ibu aku bagi. Tapi mengada jugak nak buy something. Hahahahah A+ effort for him sebab tak segan ye nak masuk kfc beli makanan untuk aku. 

Pastu time pi Paradigm Mall, shopping for his family kan lama kat Brands Outlet tu. Dia kata macam ni rupanya perempuan shopping. Patut lah lama. He got this shopping experience with me, hahahah aku rasa bangga sat.

Patutnya nak masakkan dia carbonara for iftor, tapi last minute kak elly call suruh tapaw makan kat rumah dia. So, dia tak dapat makan masakan aku. Kek batik tu pun jadi lah yee. Tu pun balance tah berapa lama punya tahh.

Dia kononnya nak datang last two weeks. Tapi that time aku tengah marah/merajuk dengan dia. And dia pun ada kerja, so tu yang dia buat kerja gila datang kl last Friday tu. Tu pun petang tu gaduh sikit dengan dia lol.

Lepas dia dah balik, jadi rindu pulak. Apa ni :( Lagi jumpa, lagi rindu. Tak suka lah macam ni. Macam mana jannah nak acah-acah tough huhuhuh.

Doa-doakan lah kami ya. Hmm neves lah. Aku dah sayang dia sikit. Tapi bila fikir lepas kawin punya life, aku takut balik haihh laa. Sokay lah, just pray the best lah ye. 

And for second year, aku raya kat kl. I feel numb. Tak tahu lah nak sedih ke idok. Last year tak rasa pape. Just sedih time dengar takbir malam raya tu je. Last year pi raya rumah fida. This year tak sure lah lepas ke idok nak pi kawasan rumah dia. Tapi takpe lah, saya dah ada lauk raya ibu poskan. Ada rendang daging, ayam masak merah dengan sambal jawa. Rebus nasi impit je. Nak makan lontong kat rumah cik anim. Tapi segan lah. Tapi aku nak makan lontong huhuhuh. Tengok lah pagi raya tu nanti cane. Selamat Hari Raya in advance!

Thank you for your time :)

Lets Pray For The Best

 

Hello! Happy Ramadhan everyone. Here am I again writing about Man as usual hahahaha. So far, our relationship is going deeper and serious. I scared huhuhu.

My dad already decide my dowry but still it depends on Man how much he willing/ can afford to give. But my dad punya number tu still okay lah. I never thought that amount. Tak tahu nak sedih ke apa hahahah.

My dad kan risau aku nak kawin dengan Man. Bukan risau apa. Man tu jenis lembut je orangnya. Ayah takut aku jadi isteri derhaka, duk jerit-jerit ke marah husband sendiri. Hahahhaahhahahaha ayah kata aku garang. Dia takut aku jadi isteri derhaka 😂 Tak sangka ayah aku boleh fikir macam tu. Aku pun tak pernah terbayang. Tapi ada betul gak kan. Aku pun seram dengan diri sendiri huhuh. Tapi so far, Man kata aku masih hormat dia lagi. Perangai aku behave lagi, masih elok lagi, tak teruk pun. Then okay lah kot kan. Semoga aku tak baran tak kena masa dengan husband aku nanti. Amin.

Man ajak kawin next year. Hmm belum bebetul plan lagi. Tunggu dia habis kursus lah kot baru free nak bincang benda ni. Lagipun sekarang masih PKPB, tak boleh nak rentas negeri settle apa yang patut. Hmmmm macam banyak je benda nak buat kalau kahwin. Aku saving kahwin pun takde ni. Ada saving holiday je huhuh, cane nak kawin? Aku nak gi jalan, taknak buat saving kawin huhuhuh. Apa ni, jannah baru 27 tahun dah kena decide benda besar macam ni.

At one point rasa, menyesalnya kawin lewat camni. Orang lain anak semua dah besar dah. And another side aku happy je dapat buat apa aku nak buat cuma lonely sikit ahhh sebab cik abang kita duduk jauh, tak boleh nak merendekk selalu hahahahahahah. K bai. 

Selamat berpuasa semua. Semoga Ramadhan tahun ni lebih bermakna from previous years. Jannah dah ready mental dah ni raya sensorang. But sokay, dah raya sorang dah kan last year, so small matter je lah. Jannah power. You can do it!


Thank you for your time :)

What is the best for me?

 

Hello gaiss. Good day! Just wanna story something again here. Well, as i am writing here, i already in a serious relationship with Man. Then we did discuss life after marriage as we both LDR, not in the same place. 

Before this, i never thought that i'll be a married woman. Never cross in my mind. I already plan few rumah orang tua to stay in later when i old. I plan everything nicely. I'll be a nice aunty that will provide anything for my anak sedara. And mana tahu suddenly Man come into my life and ask for marriage. Not just marriage, as a housewife also. He ask me to stay at PD with him, stay at home, take care of the house and kids. 

And i was like o.O I never thought i'll be married. Never thought i'll be a housewife. Never. It never cross in my plan before. And when it happen, i broke down. Because this is not what i plan to be in my future. What will happen to me? I never look down on housewife yaa, dont get me wrong. It just me, i cannot imagine i'm being a housewife.

I'm not from a rich family. So every time i want something, i need to work for it. Then my dad sent me further study to get better job so that i can get what i want. I'm loving my life at this moment. I can get what i want. I can eat what i want. No one will bother me. But, out of sudden, i'll be housewife. With no income. My lifestyle quite lavish. I spent whatever i want. I can travel every year or anytime i want. But if i get married, impossible i can get what i always do now. I need to sacrifice myself. I need to downgrade myself. I need to go back to zero. I dont know whether i still can do the same after marriage. 

It really got me like crazy. I donno what to do. I havent talk with my parent yet. But, his family suggest me to be housewife. But they say, benda boleh discuss. Bukannya nak paksa aku terus jadi housewife. But, i felt very sad. No one can understand what i feel inside. Mostly, they say whats wrong being housewife. Well, nothing wrong with it. It just me! I need to sacrifice everything! Everything! You know how much i love stayin in KL. Then, i need to move to PD which got nothing! I love shopping, then since im not working, how can i shopping? I love holiday and travelling. Then can i travelling? 

After i know Man's life, for sure i wont able to ask more since his mom dont have better life and she struggling to earn and living the family. So, it burden me more. You know how frustrated i am. Please lah somebody comfort me. I am really sad. I dont know with whom should i talk to. But, i am really frustrated, sad and speechless. I want to talk with someone, but i dont want to aibkan his side. You know what i mean. I am at the end of the alley, and got two junction and donno which path should i take. Should i let him go, and stay like this forever. Or living new way of life, maybe at the end there will be something that worth my sacrifice. I dont know what to do anymore.

As for now, i still can dodge that question. But, donno for how long. We'll just see. I need to talk with my parent first. Since they are the one who spent every penny, sweat and tears to raise me like how i am now. Then, just wait till the moment i can discuss with my parent lah. Till then, i just no need to think so much. Kan? GG. Hahahah.   

Thank you for your time :)
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