It's Always Man

Hello. Yesterday got one cute conversation with Man. We both ni kenal from our mutual. We first met at Jesselton Point sebab ayah suruh Kak Elly cari or tengokkan aku kat sana sebab dia risau aku holiday dua orang je dengan Syakirah. And Kak Elly pulak bawak Man ni as driver. So Kak Elly suruh lah Man ni mesej aku. Pastu Man ni cerita dia ni jenis takkan mesej even ada number orang tu ke apa. Dia mesej pun sebab Kak Elly paksa dia mesej aku.

Nak jadi cerita, ada lah student dia ni nak kenenkan Man dengan in charge dia. Tunjuk fb and bagi number pe semua. Tapi lepas in charge student dia tu dok tanya mana tulang rusuk dia, terus dia bluetick je orang tu hahah. Dia kata dia kawan je semua orang sebab dia single kan. Tapi boleh sangkut dengan aku lak

Man: Tersangkut dengan jannah. Dah lah haram takde persamaan langsung

Me: Masih sempat lagi nak patah balik. Belum terlambat lagi kalau nak cari lain

Man: waklu!

Me: 😂😂😂😂😂 *lmao*

Man: Man dah takut dah ingatkan jannah marah man cakap macam tu. Bila man cakap leklok, jannah marah. Bila cakap macam tu, gelak pulak. Apoo?

Me: Lawak lah wehh. Dia macam budak nerd ajak gaduh taw. Hahahahaha lawak gilaaaa!

Bayangkan empat tahun aku kenal Man ni, waklu tu ayat dia yang paling kasar dia pernah cakap kat aku. Hahahahahhaha lawak nok sebab tak sangka man pun reti cakap macam tu. Ohh hipokrit dalam diam eh!

And aku rasa man sekarang ni memang dah tak sabar nak kahwin lah. Dia tengah countdown habis kursus. Pastu asyik cerita pasal nak kahwin je. Lately ni busy dengan kerja luar. Pastu dia tetengah cerita pasal tension kerja dia pe semua, then sempat lagi selit:

Man: Tak sabar nak cecepat usung borang nikah

Me: Ape kena mengena borang nikah dengan man tension pasal kerja?

Man: Biarlah lah. Kalau dah kahwin nanti, penat kerja balik tu boleh cerita, mengendeng kat wife. Cepatlah kahwin jannah

Lately ni dia busy with his work. And aku pun dok makan hati sebab dia busy takde spent time dengan aku. Dok merajuk dengan dia for past few days. Rasa bersalah sangat kat dia. Faham je dia busy. Tapi dia tu bukan jenis bagitahu pape. Dah settle semua, baru dia bagitahu. So rasa macam tak diingati pulak lol. I did felt guilty for behaving like that. Tapi man jenis dia minta maaf je, and dia ignore je kekadang kalau aku buat perangai.  I'm amaze with his patience level ya. Semoga man sentiasa kekal sabar dengan jannah. You're one of the best gift i had through out my 27 years ni. I'm thankful for that 💗

Thank you for your time :)

IDK What Should I Do

 

Hi. The same girl pouring her heart here coz have no one to talk to. It's been a while i've been searching the meaning of love. What is love? How you know you love that person? Can someone explain to me what does love mean? Because this question keep bugging me. I dont know whether i love Man or i just go with the flow? I cannot confirm myself. Am i getting attached like this means i love him?

To be frank kan, dengan Man ni aku banyak betul nangis. Nangis makan hati, nangis sebab i'm expecting more but he's not reaching my expectation. I dont know why i jadi too sensitive. I cannot force him to response as per i like. And he also don't want to fake himself just to pleasure me. Then i am sad because of that. Ape doo? I understand it's wrong for making him follow my way. Salah aku jugak coz setiap orang ada cara memasing.

But one thing for sure, he love me more than i do. Man terlalu baik weh. Sampai level aku macam termakan budi dia sebab dia baik sangat dengan aku and aku decide just stick with him. I don't know how much he endure himself for the sake of me. Aku melalut merepek angin tak tentu pasal pe semua, dia telan je pujuk aku. Aku yang selfish tak pernah fikir pasal dia. Dok fikir sensitif aku terasa aku. Tapi sensitif dia, terasa dia, aku tak pernah heran. He's trying his best to make me happy, and what did i do in return? Macam takdok.

I dont know why aku rasa heavy sangat dengan relationship ni. I think maybe because we both LDR. Kalau we both in the same place, i dont feel this heavy kot. What makes it funny kan, selalunya perempuan yang excited dok tanya bila nak masuk meminang? Jomlah kawin. Tak sabarnya nak kawin. But in my case, Man yang tanya soalan tu semua 😂 Meaning that he really want me in his life, i assume lah kan hahaha. But why aku tak rasa the same way eh? I thought this marriage will burden me. The main issue here kan, i need to mengalah which i insist not to around one year and the result is we still LDR even we married.

My thought, why kena kahwin if still LDR sebab sekarang pun LDR jugak. So, nothing change pun kan? Obviously he cannot move here because of his job. And my job is very limited which only at the big city je, hence why i scared to move on.

Tolonglah, i have no answer for my question. I need to check with few friends kot. But entah lah hahaha. Orang akan kata buat istikharah kan, tapi hmmm donno. Why im so weird one? Kenapa none of google answer relate to my situation? Pfft... It's not healthy yaa if this thing keep lingering my mind. I should feel happy now since i have someone by my side. But, i dont felt the excitement. I dont feel the butterfly. Why is that?

To be honest lah kan, aku rasa aku macam still sayang Fizal lagi. But the situation make me move on. He got his own family now. I dont want to be punca family orang problem. But once a while, he'll text he miss me. He want me etc. Entahlah nok, just anggap bukan jodoh kami. We love each other, but we were not meant to be. 

And because Man's job yang super busy tu jugak lah makes me feel empty. Dia bagitahu dah, dia busy kerja bukan buat pape pun. Aku kena percaya dia. Jangan sebab dia busy, aku pi cari orang lain sebab sekarang banyak kes orang ketiga sebab macam tu lah. Dia minta maaf sebab dia busy and jarang ada masa and hoping me to understand.

Obviously, aku faham je kerja dia. But at the same time i did feel sad and lonely. Macam apa point relationship sekarang ni kalau he's not there when i'm sad, when i have something to share. After he's busy with his day, then end of the day he said penat. For sure aku suruh dia rehat. Takkan lah nak tambah drama kat dia yang dah sedia penat tu. You get what i mean? Dulu single, yes faham lah no one to talk to. But now i have bf, but the situation still the same. Interesting is it? Kekadang tu bila dah stress sangat i cari outsider to talk to which not good lah because i supposed to talk to my bf but the situation doesnt allow that.

So, all this reasons makes me reluctant and hesitate to further this relationship. I need solid answer whether its backup or deny my argument. But i dont find the answer anyway. Need to keep digging. And i should stop thinking and feeling sad about this situation. Banyak-banyakkan lah berdoa mintak jalan petunjuk kat Allah kan. Maybe tahap kebergantungan aku kat Allah tu tak tinggi and i still need to improve myself for a better Muslimah. Dia je tempat mengadu kan. So, i need to go to that direction.

 

Thank you for your time :)
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